Big UK ISPs Set to Censor Access to All Internet Content Depicting Adults

Broadband ISPs in the United Kingdom have unanimously agreed to support a new Government initiative that aims to make the Internet friendlier to those under the age of 5, and Justin Bieber, by removing or changing any and all content depicting or involving adults (aka – “adult content“).

The latest move to pacify the Internet of “adult content” means that, with effect from later today, most of the web pages you visit will instead begin to resemble content that is similar to Spot the Dog, a famous series of children’s books. As a result some websites, such as the Daily Mail’s homepage, are expected to continue unchanged.

Under the new rules the Government anticipates that ISPs will begin intercepting and changing Internet content in real-time using advanced Deep Packet Inspection (DPI) technology which will, for example, allow them to replace images of women’s underwear on the Marks & Spencer’s website with a crayon drawn alternative created by local children. Any pictures of adults will be similarly replaced with stick figures and all links to pirated content are instead expected to result in a picture of the Downing Street cat.

As part of this effort any swearing found on websites will also be automatically replaced with smiley face emoticons and the word “hate” is set to be similarly adjusted in all content to read “indifferent“, “mildly dislike” or “love“. Other words could face a related adjustment, although the Government has yet to confirm which ones.

A Spokesperson for Civil Rights told ISPreview.co.uk:

“We utterly love Jellybeans and this is by far the best way to help the world become a much 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 place!”

It’s hoped that the new system, which is expected to be provided by Symantoc or via a new NSA/GCHQ Joint Venture, will make the Internet easier for everybody to read and without the need for any websites to be blocked. As a result the Government anticipates that the move could even help to foster greater freedom of speech.

UPDATE 12:31pm:

April Fools! ;). At least it is for now.